You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
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College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.