“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
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[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?