“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
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Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
incredible
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.