Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
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Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots