You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
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She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
What an awful time to have common sense.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*