Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
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Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need