Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
You Might Also Like
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.