[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
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72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT