YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
You Might Also Like
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.