You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
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*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.