Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
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If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
classic mixup
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies