Me irl
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I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
i spent way too long on this
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.