You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
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harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself