You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.