if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
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My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.