You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
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Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?