You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
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What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God