You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
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People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Yup!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I put the h in mysterious.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise