You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
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“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
synchronized noseblowing
Shark week, but for squirrels.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.