You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
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i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*