@mdob11: You brought me roses? I can't eat this. Get out.
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@Storminika: The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.
@WheelTod: [Thanksgiving at the In-laws] Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now” Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean...” Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
@jollyrobber: 3: I'm going to say hi to that boy on the bike Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes 3: He didn't hear me Me: Flirting's hard