You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice