You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
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Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long