@10InchesPlus: You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
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@ch000ch: ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren't here THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
@UncleDuke1969: Me: A watched pot never boils. Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
@hpb777: Me: *texts* How'd you sleep? Him: *texts* Horrible...I was tossing and turn- Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.
@Disfordilaudid: Everytime I hold a baby, I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator: "18 to life man, I know it smells good. Stay focused."