You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
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[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I have never related to a cat more
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
🤣🤣🤣
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific