If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true