@shatterpants: You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.
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@iwearaonesie: wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
@EndhooS: Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me! Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u Wife: that's for jellyfish Me: [unzipping pants] bees don't sting jellyfish
@Lmao: 5 kinds of fear: - panic - terror - 15 missed calls from mom - "wrong password" - "we need to talk"
@sixthformpoet: It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.