@shatterpants: You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.
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@ConanOBrien: One time I wore my brother's t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.
@shegotagronk: I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
@ErrenMichaels: Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF