PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
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Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting