You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
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While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”