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@JasonBerlin: You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
@ericsshadow: [Starbucks intercom]
"Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking."
@TheMichaelRock: 'Tis the season to pull copious amounts of tinsel out of your dog's butthole.
@julezmac: "People want to drink a panic attack." -- inventor of 5 Hour Energy
@DJTannerComedy: Anderson Cooper: "the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control."
Arizona Wildfire: "Wow, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black."
@bingowings14: I'm no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.