You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
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I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet