It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
These are my roll models.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.