@TheTweetOfGod: You call them natural disasters. I call them destructive criticism.
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@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: You wouldn't believe the day- *puts TV remote to my ear* Hello? Hey Bob- [hand covering remote] -sorry honey, I have to take this.
@Mike_Bianchi: It's unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I'm willing to go through for lactose.
@RowdyBowden: We're gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were "Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!"