You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
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“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped