“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
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My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”