You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
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The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.