Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
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Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Kids, do not try this at home!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.