Cashiers are always checking me out
You Might Also Like
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
my mom making me talk to relatives
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.