You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
You Might Also Like
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse