You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
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My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days