You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
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Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Somewhere in an alternate universe
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.