you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
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10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
😂 amazing answer
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Seems legit
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊