You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
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What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Festive toon…
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
You can’t outrun your problems…
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
79.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”