[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
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1. Divorce lawyers
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[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Not even remotely sorry.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock