I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
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Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.