I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
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If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Truth
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”