You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
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If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
When you try jalapeños for the first time