@ilikeyouguys: You can buy wedding cake even if there's no wedding, those suckers don't even check
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@ConanOBrien: I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
@XplodingUnicorn: 2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church* Me: She has a baby in her tummy. 2: *whispering* She ate it.
@kevinseccia: I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
@BonaFideIntent: I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!