You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Nomnomnomnom
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.