My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
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My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.