“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
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If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.