You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
You Might Also Like
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR