You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
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Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution